solitude is not the answer - community is: on embracing “a love ethic” from now on (bell hooks)
growing up, i frequently heard the african proverb “it takes a village to raise a child,” but i never saw it in action. i was raised by my grandma and aunt in the outskirts of dakar from around 2-5 so i know i’ve experienced being brought up by a community, i just don’t remember it.
when i returned to the states at 5, my mother was a stay at home mom, so i was deeply cared for, but really only by her and my father. when i lived in dakar, senegal, for the past two weeks, i saw this ancient proverb brought to life. everyday, my extended family members brought their children to my aunt’s house and spent the entire day there, with their children calling any engaging feminine figure yaay (Wolof for mom,) even baby faced me!
my homecoming in Dakar reminded me of something my therapist told me and of a few passages in bell hook’s all about love. when i express feelings of loneliness or a longing for a partner, my therapist reminds me that i come from a culture where being alone is not a thing. in dakar, we eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a rotation of family members, friends of the family, and sometimes even strangers passing by. your friends drop in when they feel like it and can spend the entire day at your home free of judgment. i lived across the street from an orphanage so my family even had two kids come to eat dinner with us every night. although, a culture like this lacks privacy, the many pros outweigh this con. i’ve never felt so immersed in love.
in all about love chapter 6: values - living by a love ethic, bell hook’s writes “when we choose to love we choose to move against fear against alienation and separation. the choice to love is a choice to connect—to find ourselves in the other.” for the past few months, i’ve chosen solitude so i suppose i can say i’ve chosen fear and isolation. i feel like opening my heart to love, whether it be in friendships or romantic pursuits places me in a state of anxiety because it feels like all relationships can and will come to an end. i know that this is no way to live. i now accept that when i feel this way, my mind is playing tricks on me because there are people who genuinely love and support me and will be around forever as long as we commit to do the work it takes to love each other. i also know that i haven’t met all the people that will love me. yes, i write this in every other blog post because i need the reminder.
i accept that i am not as receptive to love as i would like to be. i have become the type of person that people feel comfortable disclosing their outer shell around - a walking vault of my friends and even strangers deepest worries and flaws. i struggle to reciprocate (even in my oldest of friendships) because i am scared that truly knowing me means leaving me. when it comes to romantic relationships, i am unable to see men as anything other than sexual objects or a prized possession even if i can fantasize a future with them. i fear abandonment so i choose not to emotionally open up. my shortcomings in how i live and attempt to love only reflect my deepest wounds. i know that true love cannot exist in a state of fear and rejection.
in the same chapter, hook’s states that “embracing a love ethic means that we utilize all the dimensions of love—“care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge”—in our everyday lives. we can successfully do this only by cultivating awareness. being aware enables us to critically examine our actions to see what is needed so that we can give care, be responsible, show respect, and indicate a willingness to learn.”
knowing this, i am now challenging myself to work on:
trusting other people. people aren’t inherently bad and not everyone is out to hurt me.
being more honest with myself about my desires and intentions. until i state what i want and need, the relationships i deserve will miss me.
learning how to love people through their love languages and not through mine.
giving people the chance to understand me through clear communication instead of ending the relationship when i feel misunderstood.
opening up.
accepting that as independent as i am, i don’t thrive in complete solitude. i need to work on building a more cohesive and supportive community.
working on my abandonment issues. contrary to my anxiety, some people have chosen to learn and love me and are willing to wait for me to know self-love.
if you’re a loner like me, i challenge you to embrace community. if you don’t have it, go find it. it can be challenging, but we all need people that support and love us. however, don’t use community as a means of escapism. as hook’s also says “many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” my time in chosen solitude has taught me that i sometimes choose certain partners and experiences because i don’t fully love myself which leads to me hurting myself by trauma bonding with imbeciles instead of accepting fated alone time.
i am ending this pattern this year. i don’t want to be with anyone that can’t give me what i need - in a friendship or relationship. i deserve to be cared for in the same capacity that i care for others. i also no longer accept any relationships rooted in trauma.