psa: it’s ok to feel sad about your individual goals during a pandemic; on resurrecting dying dreams

disclaimer: if you’re one of those people who lack empathy and can’t comprehend that people can be sad about their personal lives amidst people getting sick and dying, please stop reading. this is not for you. this space allows people to embrace every feeling…even the unpopular ones. i am sorry that your proms, graduations, birthdays, and trips were cancelled. this is a reminder that it is okay to feel sad while remaining cognizant of the state of the world.

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i’m quite introverted. i’ve spent nearly all of winter in my brooklyn apartment, home alone, well, with my plants, but still, you get the point. previously, my normal schedule included me going to work from 8am to 6pm, eating dinner at home, going to the gym (sometimes), and then straight to bed depending on the day. i’ve penciled my friends and family in on my calendar, making sure i force myself to interact with both groups at least once a week.

before i went to senegal, it was safe to say i was self-isolating by choice. i didn’t really have a desire to be among people. i valued my space, my privacy, my aloneness, and my quiet. i was going through so many tumultuous things that i didn’t want people to know about so i essentially hid from my friends and blamed it on my introvert-ness. as i’ve told many of my friends, i don’t like to be in the presence of other people when my energy is “bad” or “low”. when i feel defeated, i retreat and i hide because energy is infectious. i will rarely let anyone other than my therapist sit in sadness with me.

i feel like now is a good time to share that i quit my job last month. there was no point in telling people “i work on wall street” when unhappiness was sprawled over my face every time i spoke. my resume is great, but i truly don’t care anymore. life is about more than looking good “on paper”.

most people don’t understand that nothing is a flex if you’re not happy on the inside.

i also know that money is abundant so while i was anxious about how i would earn a steady income, i knew that i could not continue working in corporate america if i wanted to keep my sanity and progress on my personal goals.

if there is one thing in life that i’m afraid of, it is stagnancy.

the five months i spent in that office taught me that my mind would continue to linger towards fantasies of who i imagined myself becoming until i put in the actual work. i would spend mornings drafting blog posts or working on my screenplay. for a while, i thought i could work an energy consuming job and write after work like most writers, but i couldn’t do it. my daydreams consisted of being anywhere but the office. for years, i have been in conflict with myself. i have been fighting the fact that i am a creative that prefers a world where nothing is promised because when you create, you create for yourself. you could be your only supporter and that has to be okay with you. i now accept that i have no place in corporate america. i knew that if i continued working in that environment, i would miss some fundamental years in developing my writing and other creative pursuits. i will not let my life pass me by. i decided that i would take a chance on myself this year, and if i failed, i would return to pursuing a “practical” career.

i have learned that the “road less traveled” should be your Plan A and anything else should be Plan B in case your dreams don’t work out. unless it is financially impossible, never choose what you’re being told to do over your life’s purpose.

when people ask me what i want to do now, my answer is “finish my screenplay” or “submit my stories to fellowships”. when they ask me what i do (a question i actually don’t get that much) i happily answer “i am a writer”. i know what my purpose in this life is and i know that one day my stories will reach the masses. the money will come eventually, and until then i will always be good.

i know what my five year plan looks like and it definitely didn’t make space for any of the bullshit happening in the world right now. i quit my job and now there is a recession. i know that i made the right choice for me but fear and doubt still loom in my mind. even though i am scared of what the future is looking like, i know that now is the best time to create.

i have very full and productive days, but nothing changes the fact that i feel stuck and hopeless. i feel like time is traveling backwards. i feel like many of our individual worlds have collapsed, and i feel like many systems are about to come tumbling down. i feel as if my life has been put on an indefinite pause. when i look back on this year later in life, i will call it “The Lost Year”.

it’s my first year out of college, first few months really, one of the hardest periods of my life, and just when i started to invest in myself and my future, it feels like it has all been snatched away by an invisible enemy. my friends and i had so much planned for this summer; a summer that realistically won’t exist. (speaking from scientific data here not just pessimism.)

i know that i’m not alone when i say that things were starting to look up for me. beyond my writing, i have a project that i was growing excited about with each passing day. the recession brought on by the pandemic feels like a personal slap in the face. a silent voice tells me “you will never be who you want to be”. i feel crushed when i think about the reality and gravity of what’s going on in the world. i know that this virus is much larger than a disruption in my personal life path, but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t deeply saddened by it for completely selfish reasons.

i feel like the past few years have allowed me to step into the woman i am now: a woman who puts herself first. i am aware that the world is crumbling, but i will grieve about my year and what this means for me. i’ve been at my lowest for many years consecutively so i am giving myself freedom to feel sad because things were starting to turn around for me. i chose happiness in a time where it is difficult to smile about anything, and i am trying my hardest not to be consumed by the weight of the world because the sadness is everywhere.

i am reminded that there are things much greater than us- the government, god if you believe in her, nature, the universe. the world is not moving at our pace. one thing i have learned from this is that i should have started living how i wanted to a long time ago.

everything we know is shattering in front of our faces and i’m stuck on what if’s and visions of what could of been.

this time is a reflective period forced upon us by the universe to think about how we treat ourselves, others, and our planet.

i’ve found myself grappling with the idea that there is too much time yet not enough.

think about how much time we personally have contrasted by other young people losing their lives to this virus and other things. if you’re quarantined…like you should be…think about your freedom and how quickly it was taken away for the benefit of the greater good.

this period should be a reminder that individualism, although important, means so little in a society that functions based off the strength of the members of its community.

in this time, i’ve found myself doing things i’ve never made time to do before. i read everyday now. i practice yoga or do a mini-workout after breakfast. i have time to watch all my shows. and the thing is, i had time for these things before. i just didn’t do them.

i’ve found balance, so not all is lost. i’ve been reminded of the things that matter most: my relationships with my friends and family, my freedom, and my future.

i know that some people struggle with being alone with themselves. if this is you, now is the perfect time to figure out why. when the feelings of loneliness come up, ask yourself what inside you is being triggered, and sit with it. the world is challenging you to ground yourself. you are being told to learn yourself in this time and if you really want- to reinvent yourself.

i hope this period marks a monumental shift in your life. i hope that you are inspired now more than ever to live the life that you want, because even though none of this shit matters, if it’s still on your mind during this difficult time, it’s time to make it happen. i hope you remember your role in your community and in society. i hope you realize that you matter. the best version of you is needed, and there isn’t much to do but work on yourself.

stay safe.