“desire is the root of all suffering” - a reminder to accept where you are now.

i’ve never thought it would be like this. 

i’ve said this exact phrase to my friends multiple times since i’ve received my degree. and no, this isn’t a piece to complain about where i am now...i’m grateful to be here, truly. i just never expected to feel constant waves of disappointment and a voice telling me “you’re not doing enough.” 

i spent all of july and august in bed (aside from going out with my friends). i only got up to shower and eat. i wasn’t even feeling sadness. i couldn’t place any of my feelings, i just understood that i was not okay. i barely wrote. i was not myself.  my friends reminded me that i had just finished my degree and a job was waiting for me in the fall, yet i didn’t feel like enough.

i recently read a post stating “you used to pray for the things that you have now,” and i forced myself to take a step back from the devastating thoughts about my future constantly swirling around in my head to reflect on my blessings.

some of the things that i used to pray for and have now include:

• loving friends

• non-toxic relationships

• my degree

• my peace

• a stable job

yet somehow it doesn’t feel like enough. i’m stuck constantly imagining the future that does not yet exist. i am so busy thinking of the things that i do not yet have that i have forgotten to be thankful. 

buddhists say that desire is the root of all suffering. i have found that to be more than true. the true source of unhappiness is the need for more. when you are not content with what you have, you will always feel unhappy with yourself. for me, my desire has created a hunger to succeed but also a nagging fear that i will never amount to my full potential. i know this to not be true, but fears can be stifling. 

i’m taking october to breathe. i affirm that i have all that i need. i will get what i desire from this life, but i will also take the time to appreciate what i have in the present moment.

here is a reminder to express gratitude for the things that you have now.

here is a reminder that if it is meant to be yours, despite the challenges that you may face, you will achieve it.

here is a reminder that there is magic in the work. there is beauty in the first draft. just start.