on unbecoming

we lose ourselves many times in this life. during puberty when we bury the voice of our inner child to transition into adult life, maybe the first time we lose a “forever” friend, or perhaps even the first time we experience heartbreak and have to find our way back to ourselves.

nothing hurts more than being told “i don’t like who you’re becoming” when you don’t like it either. i’ve been forced to sit with myself and question how my character has become unrecognizable. it’s a hard truth to swallow- but sometimes the things that break us are the things we allow into our life with open arms.

it may be difficult to believe but our traumas do not define us. it is when we think they do that they start to control us. trauma sprinkled with our fears is a recipe for self-loathing, self-deprecation, self-destruction, and lastly disaster.

i see myself spiral all of the time; although i remind myself constantly... i haven’t accepted that the way that people treat me is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. 

there was a time where i found it to be a miserable experience to hang out with myself due to the thoughts that were suffocating my psyche. i found myself constantly asking why would the universe do this to me instead of what is the universe trying to teach me? 

somedays i feel like my demons are going to destroy me, but i try to combat those thoughts with the reality that i am supposed to be on this earth and that i have a purpose in this life.

 this year i have decided that i am working on unbecoming myself. i don’t want to carry the weight of my past trauma’s anymore. i am tired of letting the pain i’ve experienced aid in sabotaging my relationships with people. i am letting go of my distrustfulness. i know that although some are, not all people are evil.

i’ve been actively trying to pray my toxicity away without actually taking any actions to unlearn why i’ve let life shape me into this woman that i’m ashamed to be - as harsh as that may seem.

i am the first to admit my flaws. i can be incredibly insecure despite how i present myself online. i thrive off chaos, peace is unfamiliar and suspicious to me. i repeatedly overextend myself to those who do not deserve me. i lack boundaries and never exit a situation until the universe forces me to. the list goes on, but i recognize my harmful patterns and that is the first step to ending them.

the past has already happened and no matter how many times i replay harmful scenarios there is nothing that can be done so onward...