stop gaslighting yourself…YES, they did you like that and NO you don't have to forgive them (but you should)

this weeks mantra…

i disrespect myself every time that i allow my forgiveness to also mean reconnection.

i disrespect myself every time that i allow my fantasies of someone to let me overlook the reality of how they have treated me.

i disrespect myself every time that i revisit relationships because of a promise of changed behavior without any changed actions.

for me, it is easier to brush things off, pretend the memories never happened, and allow someone back into my life than it is to acknowledge and sit with the pain that they may have caused me. if you do this too, here is a message that you are gaslighting yourself when you try to rewrite that story between you and them. 

your memory is not lying to you. yes, they did you like that. yes, they had you fucked up. yes, you forgave them only to be hurt again. and yes, they will do it again. the cycle continues…if you let it.

we all hear the cliche yet profound truths that...

“people do what you allow.” 

“you are setting the standards for how you allow people to treat you.” 

we all know these things...so why do we allow for the same people or same types of people to continuously disrespect us? the answer lies in how we feel about ourselves.

you might tell yourself that they didn’t mean to do it, or that it was never that bad, or maybe you blame yourself and say that you allowed everything to happen. give yourself more credit. none of that is true. people know exactly what they are doing to you. it is a combination of our insecurities, lack of self-love, and unhealed trauma that allow us to become magnets to mistreatment and sometimes abuse.

i promise you whatever it was...you didn’t deserve it. “how they treat you is how they feel about themselves” and how you deal with it afterwards is the first step in healing and reclaiming your power. 

i used to romanticize the phrase “we accept the love that we think we deserve”. there is nothing romantic about that. when you continuously allow people in your life who have no intentions of respecting you, you are disrespecting yourself.

you shouldn’t have to ask someone who “cares” about you to stop hurting you...everything after the first time you ask is INTENTIONAL and more often then not, they just don’t care.

often i’ve found myself forgiving people and letting them back into my life without any signs of changed behavior. i regret it almost every time. i’ve learned that people will never change for you...if they are not willing to change for themselves, they will hide behind a temporary persona- relying on your forgiveness and naivety until they reveal their true selves and do you dirty...again.

you’re not dumb for believing they will change, but you might be dumb for believing that they will change for you.

just recently, i ended a friendship with someone who i had envisioned as a life-long friend. we had frequent discussions about our futures with our currently non-existent spouses and kids. she knows my dreams, insecurities, fears, and deepest regrets. none of that matters now. and the vivid dreams that i had of us will be stored away as projections of a reality that will never exist because i know my worth. 

this friendship ended because i had clearly expressed my feelings about her actions towards me on numerous occasions. each time, i felt disregarded and gaslit. it is bad enough to be gaslit by romantic partners but experiencing it from a friend is a type of confusing pain that i cannot put into words. i know it wasn’t intentional so i’ve forgiven her since, but i now accept that the door to our friendship is closed. i am grateful for the beautiful moments we shared but i am also dually disappointed by the disrespect.

through her and many others i’ve learned that:

there is no valuable relationship that can exist between me and someone who has no regards for my feelings.

there is no valuable relationship that can exist between me and someone who has more excuses than self-awareness.

there is no valuable relationship that can exist between me and someone who is a mirror of my insecurities.

AND history is just that…HISTORY. it doesn’t mean there is a future. it just means that a past exists. there should be no future in relationships rooted in pain.

it’s difficult, but sometimes we have to face the truth and accept that some people are only in our life for seasons. their longevity in our lives depends on the lessons that they are meant to teach us. when the lesson is over, the door is shut, and they are gone…not everybody you meet will leave your life but just know that if they leave, it is for the better.

nobody wants to be the catalyst for someone’s healing journey but sometimes that’s our only purpose in someone's life. let them miss you, and if they don’t, try to care less.

my favorite phrase is “you haven’t met half of the people that will love you” and i believe that wholeheartedly. so savor the good moments that you had with those people that hurt you, acknowledge that forgiving them does not mean they have to be in your life, and truly let go.

forgiveness brings peace, clarity, and redirection…do it for yourself.