what is self-awareness without changing? a self-drag. 7.21 free write

i’m not perfectly. i’m deeply flawed…

i do things that i am ashamed of…frequently. i self-sabotage when things “seem too good to be true”. i run away from challenging things. i talk to people that trigger my abandonment wounds, even though i know i deserve more. i pretend to not believe in romantic love because it seems unattainable for me. i act numb but i feel everything deeply. i give up on things quickly- sometimes pretending it’s because i lack interest, when truly i’m just afraid of failure.. i disappear when people hurt my feelings. i always write what i mean, but i struggle with voicing how i feel and then i get upset at people for their lack of communication. i catch myself projecting frequently, but i’m working on that. i ignore red flags…”red is a pretty color”…

i set deadlines and ignore them, and then i sit and dwell on my lack of progress. i get frustrated at my lack of growth and then wonder why things are the way they are. i think highly of myself and then act in ways that don’t match how i would like to be perceived. i tell people to sit in their pain as i silence mine… a little hypocritical- yeah you got me- self-aware but in desperate need of change.

i think about the phrase “it gets better” often. that’s what everyone tells you when you’re super sad but no one tells you when or how things “get better”. it’s like putting a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches. it doesn’t work… so next time you think about saying that to someone- please keep it.

lately, i’ve forced myself to continue to express gratitude for the small things in my life because they mean so much and they provide a baseline for my stability. i live in my dream apartment at 23, i’m well-fed, my family loves me, my friends love me, and i’m safe. i am grateful for these things. when i am sad, i know that it is not because i am lacking anything. if anything, i have more than enough.

i know that despite everything that i go through, this life cannot be just about suffering. that doesn’t make any sense. i do not believe that God is sadistic, mean, or abusive in anyway like religious christians will try to convince you on twitter. only an evil entity would allow any of us to live a life full of suffering. there has to be more to this experience than pain.

i reject suffering.

i reject everyday sadness.

i reject the idea that things have to be hard.

i reject pain masked as “love”.

i reject people who refuse to work on themselves.

i reject fear and procrastination.

i reject this version of myself that is SELF-AWARE but lacks action, because what is self-awareness without change?

i am manifesting a life of ease, peace, happiness, love, and comfort because i deserve it and so it is.