sometimes i’m the toxic one; on doing the shadow work to end this pattern

for a while, i was confused on why i attracted so many toxic ‘friends’ and romantic interests. i wondered what about me made me susceptible to these same types of people and destructive relationships over and over. i beat myself up every time a relationship in my life ended in the same way. i continuously asked myself…why do the same people with faces come into my life?

as i vented to friends and listened to their critiques and judgments on my lack of discernment and accountability, i’ve come to accept that these toxic people that i let into my life were reflections of my shadow - the darkest parts of me.

my therapist informed me that there were certain patterns i would have to break before i would be able to stop letting these type of people in. another friend assured me that “[i] are not what [i] attract, [i am] who [i] let in,” and i’ve found comfort in those words.

i’ve realized i attracted insecure people because i was insecure.

i attracted liars because i frequently lied to myself.

i attracted abusers because the familiarly of an abusive relationship dynamic was oddly safe to me so i looked to recreate it in new relationships.

i ignored red flags because i so badly wanted to fix people even though i had much to “fix” within myself.

through identifying my patterns, i’ve realized that there are many things that i do not want to experience again. i know that low vibrational people will always be around, but as i continue to work on building my self-esteem and self-worth, i will be able to enforce boundaries that protect me from people who should not have access to me.

recently, i have been struggling with maintaining friendships. i’m exhausted by life and i’m quick to say goodbye to anything that causes the slightest rift in my life. i’ve cut the chords to four friendships in my life since september 2019. while i’m not regretful of removing myself from these relationships, each situation didn’t have to end the same: me listing out my grievances, removing them from my social media, and temporarily blocking them so i wouldn’t receive any messages. i know that’s not effective or healthy way to communicate, but when i get fed up, i’m inclined to disappear.

a friend recently told me “i’m not sure if you are really just tired of these misunderstandings or if you just don’t really value these friendships,” and i responded “both” but that’s not the truth. i struggle with communication and i don’t like fighting for things so i rather let people go. i take comfort that people are replaceable. i’m learning that this isn’t a sustainable practice because i’ll continue to lose people that i care about if i’m not willing to re-evaluate this pattern of mine.

i accept that it “takes two people to be in a toxic relationship”. i am working to make sure that i continue to do my shadow work so that i can end these harmful patterns in my life.