reflection, 4.16.20

i’m far from inspired. i’d be lying if i said that. i’m not really happy either, but i’m not exactly sad. i am profoundly bored. there aren’t enough words to describe how i am feeling on the inside. and there are not enough movies, shows, books, goals, things to do during this indefinite pause no matter what “be grateful”, “work on yourself”, “you’re bored because you don’t love yourself”, and “rise and grind” twitter tells me.

i wake up and i merely exist. at least that’s what life has felt like lately, more existing than living. i suppose i should feel grateful because i’m living and that’s more than the families of 142k people can say for their loved ones, but…part of me asks myself what am i living for anymore? everything has been disrupted, nothing will be the same, and we are far from the end of this chaotic time, no matter how optimistic you have chosen to be.

nothing but preserving my sanity matters now and everything i have ever wanted seems secondary to my health.

everyday, i am accepting that one of these days i’m going to have to sit down and readjust my five year plan. i don’t know what’s in store anymore and my vision has to adapt to this changing world.

i ask myself:

how long will it take me to become who i actually want to be now?

what part of my further transformation is being hindered by my confinement?

what can i do during this time to make sure i come out a better person? what is stopping me?

what does happiness with minimal social interaction/physical human contact look like for me and how can i maintain it when i find out?

———————-

two days ago, i accomplished something major. i finished my first script! it’s a huge milestone for me, but i am still restless.

being cooped up in the house is no good for my spirit or creativity, but it has forced my productivity.

i’m grateful to be spending this time in a safe space, to have the privilege of being financially ok, to be healthy, and to generally have no problems.

i still find myself struggling with overthinking about what i currently don’t have. i’ve been so focused on what i am lacking that i haven’t had time to really process what this time means. i know that it is going to be a long time before we get close to living ordinary lives again. i want to work on accepting the fact that life isn’t over even though it feels like it. i have some tangible goals that can be reached during this time. i’m going to actively try to rewire my thoughts while remaining realistic. i’m still going to give myself space to feel sad, but i’m going to remain focused.

i’m beginning to accept that time is a made up concept. it’s the only way i can prevent myself from getting sad about the age benchmarks i’ve set for certain goals that i’ve had.

i know what i want from this life so my goals will never change. the timeline of their execution will be readjusted, that’s all.

this time has made me continue to reflect deeply about what i do and do not want from this life.

for example, i recently broke a pattern. like i’ve expressed in past writing, i know that i don’t open up enough to take men seriously. i find myself in meaningless situationships because truthfully i’m working through emotionally unavailability and low self-esteem. so now instead of entertaining men and lowering my standards, i’ve decided to stop talking to men until someone of my caliber is ready to court me properly. at 23, i feel too old for casual sex, and although i don’t look down on it, i’m very good on it. this lockdown has shown me that i have no desire to rekindle old relationships nor do i crave romantic companionship at this time, i am just afraid of never knowing love that type of love. i’ve also accepted the harsh truth that no one that i have ever met was for me and moving forward, i need to stop forcing connections.

additionally and unrelated, i’ve realized how much money i’ve wasted in the past and i’ve challenged myself to minimize my spending. during this time, i have nothing but food to spend money on so i shouldn’t have a problem.

i could spend the rest of this post telling you about how i’m bettering myself, but i really only wrote this to release my feelings and to challenge you to ask yourself what can you do during this time?

my weeks have looked incredibly different. there was a week where i took an hour walk everyday, the following week, i practiced yoga, the third week, i found myself cooking 3 times a day, this week i’ve been binge-watching 90 day fiancé every single day.

i struggle with consistency so i can’t encourage anyone to be consistent, but i can tell you to take this time to do what you want to do. there is literally so much time. if you need motivation to be active, just imagine how upset you will be if this passes and you haven’t even improved one aspect of your life. i know it’s hard for me to do things when i’m feeling depressed, which has been nearly everyday of this, but for me, nothing sucks more than wasting time while having things to do.

write your list of what needs to be done and start somewhere, your higher self will thank you.