“if making it through this year is the greatest thing you’ve done, be grateful!”
i started this blog on december 17th, 2017 at the lowest point of my life with the post: “2017: the year i stopped loving me, a brief reflection.” during this time, i was experiencing a depression unlike one that i had ever been through. i walked around campus like a zombie. i consumed one meal a day. i turned the lights off in my room at 4pm. shit was bad, and i really couldn’t see the light- literally and figuratively. i wrote my first blog post because my greatest accomplishment of that year was staying alive. i am so glad that this is not this year’s story, but if it is your story, there is no shame in that. being alive is hard.
back in 2017, i was seeing a therapist, but the shame i experienced was so deep that i didn’t know how to be honest about the things that i was going through. i was lying to everyone and most importantly myself.
during this time, i was being severely emotionally abused by a man who i wasn’t even dating. stupid, i know, but it happens. truthfully, he made me feel undesirable and unlovable, but people who don’t love themselves have a way of doing that to others. i couldn’t speak about this toxic non-relationship to my friends because i was embarrassed at the things that had transpired. all the shit that i had seen on social media and scoffed that “it couldn’t be me”, quite literally became me.
at the time, everything he did to me seemed unspeakable. since then, i have learned that shame is the strongest weapon of our abusers. it is silencing and we can only really heal through releasing our truths no matter how painful they are. i began writing because my thoughts were suffocating my mind and while i had a great community, i couldn’t put into words what i was going through but every time my pen touched my journal, i felt relieved. at the same time, the shit that was happening to me felt like an out of body experience. documenting my emotions were the only thing i could do to keep myself sane. (if someone is hurting you, please tell someone. or at least write it down, so you can know what is happening to you and process that it is not okay.)
i decided to share my intimate thoughts online, because i couldn’t even begin to imagine the amount of people who suffer in silence like i used to.
this last decade has brought me a great deal of pain, sadness, and disbelief, but also introspection, growth, and courage. if anything, i am excited to blossom into the woman i dream about becoming. i refuse to let pain be the common theme of every year. i understand that i cannot turn off the sadness, but i do know in 2020 and onward, i am dedicated to rewriting my story and refusing to repeat any past lessons. i’ve heard the universe loud and clear and i am ready to embrace a chapter sprinkled with more happiness than pain.
the biggest lessons i’ve learned this decade are:
(with regards to my goals…)
everything is happening as it should, but things can happen quicker with dedication, motivation, focus, and resources.
i will not be rewarded for my (great) ideas until i put them into action.
even while manifesting something, i should be doing the work to make whatever i am asking for come true.
in more ways than not, i am already the woman i would like to be. younger me would be proud.
i need to learn to keep promises to myself.
i can’t get my “dream” career and “dream” life without instilling discipline in myself.
some people are okay with being mediocre, i am not.
(with regards to platonic and romantic relationship…)
it is okay to crave companionship. we were not created to endure this life alone.
i don’t want to be surrounded by mediocre, morally corrupt, or unambitious people. anyone i keep around me is a reflection of me.
these niggas for everybody.
as a successful black woman not even near her peak, i’m just going to have to wait the dating thing out.
THE WAY PEOPLE TREAT YOU IS A REFLECTION OF HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT THEMSELVES.
friends that you make out of convenience are an emotional waste of time.
casual sex, if you’re not built for it, is a waste of time and can feel dehumanizing.
compromise needs to happen in all relationships but if you are compromising who you are, you should re-evaluate the relationship.
someone who says sorry and repeats the offending actions doesn’t care or is a selfish person.
if you don’t assert boundaries at the start of any relationship, you will be miserable.
most times, things end how they start. if your relationship starts with disrespect and dishonesty, chances are that’s how it will end.
the more you force something, the more the universe pulls it back from you.
always go with your gut feeling.
masturbation is always going to be the answer. not that nigga/woman/whatever.
having bad sex is an act of self-hate.
never let someone tell you they do not want you twice.
release anything you find yourself begging for.
i don’t have any new year’s resolutions because i am constantly working on how to better myself. but i do know what i would like to accomplish, and time is sometimes a constrictive barrier when you identify as a creative. regardless, new year’s resolutions can be a healthy way of setting boundaries for yourself, but be easy, and trust that you will achieve everything that you want if you work towards it.
thank you for reading and let’s body this lifetime....