the start

barely three weeks into the new year, and i am disappointed to admit that i have been back on my bullshit. watering dead plants by carrying over relationships that died lifetimes ago into a new year, bringing in self-pity and self-doubt, and continuously basking in mediocrity. (i don’t mean to sound harsh on myself, i am just speaking my truth). i know that my journey towards my "happy place" might be a long one for me due to my toxic behaviors, but i am unlearning some of my toxicity everyday.

step 1 includes ending my behavior of finding homes in people. as an empath, i have learned that people cannot be my main source of happiness, because when shit changes they also become my primary source of sadness. i feel everything, and sometimes i feel too much. shit can be overwhelming. one of my favorite poets ysra daley-ward writes "the person that hurts you the most in the end will be you. almost every time", and i have never read anything more relatable. this is my life, and while i cannot control how people are, i can control those who i let into my space.

this is the year of me. this is the year of me. this is the year of me. this is the year of me and i will let anyone who views my newfound self-worth as selfishness understand that i do not care.

this is the year of me. i am actively doing more things for me: reading more books and poetry, trying to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones, forgiving and letting go of hurt, ignoring people with ill intentions, spending less time thinking of old memories and asking "what if", and just reconnecting with my old self.

although i thank god i am no longer at my lowest, i still feel stagnant and crippled by my lack of determination to do and be better. i am tired of myself quite frankly. my pattern of always forming goals with the intention to love myself just a little bit more but never following through has to stop.

this year feels different though- maybe because i want to live my “best life”, and stop allowing myself to be walked over like a doormat. maybe because i have decided to turn "potential" into reality. maybe because i no longer want to compare myself to other women and find comfort in existing as me. a whole lot of maybe's but i have found that when i talk things into existence, they actually do manifest for me.

often it feels like i haven't improved in any aspect of life but here i am writing and sharing with those of you who make time to read my thoughts. (thank you by the way).

i know that good changing is coming because i have already hit rock bottom and i don't think i can go any lower than i have already been, and i won't. its simple. i have a very beautiful life planned out, and i will not let my insecurities hinder me.

happy friday!