2017: the year i stopped loving me, a brief reflection
day 365/365, alhamdulillah because a young nigga made it.
i spent much of this year drowning and suffocating in the presence of people who do not love me, could not love me, and shit might never love me. there was so much fake love - platonically and romantically. so much fake love from those who loved the idea of me, but could not handle the reality of me. i gave so much love, and did not get it back. but i will never be ashamed to admit that i am receptive to love in all of the forms it comes in, even when i can barely give it to myself.
2017 was the year that i lost myself. i have been broken down so many times; i wondered if i would be able to ever piece myself together. i have wondered if my life was worth living, and to me, the answer has always been no, but here i am. i lost my sanity, the little left of my happiness, peace, and stability, but i am still here, and i really do thank god for that.
many nights of this year were spent in the confines of my room and like Noname says i’ve been searching for God in the bottle he gave me. alcohol, specifically, pink moscato was numbing, addictive, and lowkey (highkey!) my best friend for a while. while feeling myself, the voice constantly nagging at me, and telling me i would never be good enough was finally silenced. and for a few hours, my sadness, something that i carried with me daily, would be tucked away. i soon learned the temporary numbness and stillness that my inebriated state brought would only bring me more distress in the morning.
lessons learned:
1. you cannot drown out the noise permanently; something has to be done.
2. self-destructive habits only provide a temporary relief.
3. you cannot get rid of pain by bringing yourself more pain.
sometimes, i’ll be casually walking somewhere and suddenly feel like i cannot breathe. some call it anxiety, i call it “i’m so sick of this life shit”. is it just me, or do you ever feel like you don’t want to exist, but you don’t exactly want to die either? i have felt like this often.
i have been thinking a lot about karma and what i have done in the past to deserve the year that i have had, but nothing makes sense. it was a year of many challenges, BUT AGAIN I AM STILL HERE.
***trigger warning, sorry a bitch be sad!***
i do not talk about it at all, but i almost took my life halfway through the year on July 5th, the middle of 2017. although i was experiencing the pinnacle of my college career- interning at an elite company, meeting wonderful black millenials left and right, spoiling myself consistently, i could not escape the racing thoughts of self-doubt and self-hate. i was stuck in my mind, and after i had experienced a traumatic event on the 4th, i had no desire to live another day.
my mother walked in on me sitting on the toilet with a razor in my right hand in a bright orange dress from the night before - ironic on how bright i appeared when i was truly sad as hell. i ruined my mother’s day that morning, and we don’t talk about it, but i thank her for staying home with me that day and reassuring me that i am enough. (also thankful for the friend who ordered me food that day when i refused to get out of bed and feed myself).
this year almost broke me. and it almost took me. but again i thank god that i am still here. i am still here. i will no longer dwell in my sadness for hours and think of the things that are not going right in my life. i will no longer remind people that i am worthy of their love and respect. i will no longer hang on to the potential that i see in others. i will no longer compare myself to others. i will no longer harm myself under the guise of "having fun".
i will actually live and breathe instead of suffocate in silence.
i will continue to give love, and surround myself with people who love me back, no matter how small my circle becomes.
i will put myself first.
i will recover from the pain that this year has brought.
i will be great.
everyday is a new life, and i pray that each day of 2018 will be a good life.
INSHALLAH.