nothing is forever; a meditation on platonic heartbreak
i used to hear it all the time, “friendship breakups hurt too,” and to be quite honest, the statement is so obvious, i’ve never paid much attention to it. i haven’t experienced actual heartbreak so i can’t compare the loss of my friendships to it equally, but i’ve heard many say that “friendship heartbreaks” hurt way more than “(romantic) heartbreaks”. i’m not into comparing negative experiences because to be honest, pain is pain, but i’m starting to understand what people mean when they say this.
for me, romantic rejection feels like someone grabbed my heart out of my chest, squeezed it, laughed, and put it back in slightly shrunken and damaged. dramatic i know, but there is something excruciatingly painful about sharing your heart and body to someone only to be left, and in my case, always for someone else. it’s taken me some time to understand that a romantic relationship not working out doesn’t mean i’m not worthy of love, it just means that i haven’t met my person yet.
i haven’t been the best friend to everyone, and i’m honest enough to admit this. not everyone who lost me suffered a loss, and i know that. i’ve been unkind and i’ve been selfish, but i forgive myself for who i used to be. like many, i suffered a four year identity crisis in college. i was only able to give my friends pieces of me so i formed many fragmented friendships. many times, i felt as if i had no one at school, so i cherished and continued to build my friendships with the women i grew up with in New York. every time i returned home from school, i was embraced with love. i had two “best friends” that always felt safe; i was my complete self to them because i thought they understood me.
when those friendships begin to disintegrate, i remember feeling a heavy sadness and debilitating confusion. i thought these women were going to be my children’s aunties. when we discussed the future, they were in my vision and i was in all of theirs. losing these two people after knowing them for over a decade showed me that nothing is forever & longevity in a relationship means nothing if the love is gone. many people think that if love fades, it never existed in the relationship, but i’ve never been one to believe that. i’ve always viewed love to be an action, an everyday choice. people can wake up and decide to stop loving you. one day, someone could be the most important person in your life and in the next day, they only exist as memories and in your hidden photo albums.
i think losing these two women marks the biggest rejection i’ve experienced. do you know how it feels to have someone you thought accepted you for who you are tell you they actually don’t and were just tolerating you because they “love” you? one friend threw all of my trauma in my face constantly, and told me she didn’t like who i’d become during my time at college. i tried to return back to the me she knew, but i couldn’t. my trauma had a transformative effect on me. there was no “old” me left, only the version of me she knew or the upgrade, which i hadn’t become yet.
i cried for awhile. when i found time to reflect on our relationship, i realized all she knew was a shell of me. i realize i was never my full self anyways because i’m sure subconsciously, i could tell i was just being “tolerated,” and that’s not love. when i was happy, i was “good,” to be around and when i was sad, i was “bad energy.” i didn’t know it would take me a friendship breakup to realize i don’t deserve to be loved in pieces. i’ve never been rejected by someone who i loved so much so the pain was unfamiliar, but it taught me so much.
i know that i need to be embraced and accepted wholly because i only love people as who they are, and not who i want them to be, and i deserve that same love back. i will never accept anything less than the love i give out. i require reciprocity.
a brief letter to you
i’m writing this piece as i’ve started mourning our friendship that has come to an unexpected end. if you’re reading this, here’s my goodbye to you. i’ve never believed in ghosting until now, but i’m tired of telling people (you specifically) how i feel multiple times and being dismissed. i remember joking with you and telling you i was done being your friend over something stupid and we laughed about it. you said something along the lines of “there’s nothing that could make us stop being friends,” i guess we didn’t consider time though. i’d be lying if i said i didn’t get a bit envious when i saw you out with your new friends especially one i introduced you to. every outing reminds me of when you were that person for me. i’m sure you know how many of my friendships have ended over people i introduced getting closer, i just never saw it happening with you. unlike them, i actually thought you fit me, but you don’t, at least not right now. it got to the point where i muted your profile on instagram because i honestly didn’t want to see what you were doing even though we talked everyday. i even deactivated once- that’s how it much it hurt to see you move on. my other friends tell me that maybe we’ll come back together, but i don’t see that & i accept that. to be honest, i knew it was over when you forgot my birthday. you made me a better person in so many ways, and i’m grateful that i got to spend the past five years with you. sometimes shit just ends and i’m learning i have to walk away. i don’t want to hold onto what we used to have. it’s clear that we’ve outgrown each other, and although i’ll do some crying about it, i rather let you go then pretend we are still friends. i’m releasing you because we’ve had at least three conversations circulating the change in our relationship and i don’t think you’re going to let me go unless i do it first. it really hurt me when you said we fell off because you no longer knew how to be my friend. i was trying too hard to please you i even forgot to ask “why didn’t you ask?” but now i realize i wasn’t as important to you anymore and i get that, it happens.
—-
i’ve spent most of my therapy sessions this past year telling my therapist that i’ve lost most of my good friends and unlike pseudo internet therapists on twitter, her response isn’t “it’s all your fault, if you keep losing friends, you’re the reason why.” she’s met me with kindness and grace. she reminds me that sometimes people don’t fit in our lives anymore, but it’s important to cherish the ones that do. because of her, i’ve refocused on the people i choose to spend my energy on. i still have plenty of people that care about me. i now prioritize people in the same way that they prioritize me. a good friend recently told me she was hurt that i prioritized people that didn’t prioritize me over her. i felt awful because she’s been nothing but a good friend to me. now, i’m more aware. i’m more expressive. i’m kinder. i try to show my love in a multitude of ways. i’ve never been much of a “words of affirmation” person but i keep meeting people who are so now i do my best to tell them how i feel about them without overdoing it. i try my hardest to honor our time together. i used to be a huge flake, but now i’m stepping out of the that.
i still frequently think about the phrase “you haven’t met all of the people that will love you,” and if you read my blog regularly, you know how much i write it over and over- it’s because i’m manifesting it.
i see how true this phrase is every time i form a new meaningful relationship. i’ll never close my heart just because it’s been broken by friends so many times. my love is infinite and i’ll patiently wait until i meet those willing to return it.