no more bad days

the past two months have been dedicated to mending my own heart, and it feels like all of the pieces that i have broken throughout the years have finally come back together. i am glad that i am almost back to myself and at the same time i am different, reborn you could say.

if you knew me months ago, you’d know that everyday was a dark day. everyday was a bad day and everyday was a sad day. everyday was a i want to die day and everyday was a i’m going to cry myself to sleep day. everyday was a i can’t eat day and everyday was a “damn i really got to get out of bed day”.

two days ago, i cried tears of relief. i had a random flashback of last summer and my heart hurt (very) briefly so i let my emotions overtake me and let the tears trickle down my face.

last summer, i let my pain consume me, entirely. i almost checked into a mental hospital for a three day psychiatric stay because i couldn’t handle my own thoughts. i was scaring myself, and on two separate occasions i tried to terminate my existence. this resulted in my mother hiding all of the medicine and sharp objects in our home. shit was that bad.

when i got back to school, people told me i looked like i had the best summer which was ironic because summer ‘17 had been one of the darkest moments of my life. it is important to note that someone’s outward reflection can sometimes not be a direct reflection of how they are truly feeling.
 

during the school year, i began to write notes to important people in my life because i couldn’t envision myself making it to summer.

even though i no longer experience suicidal ideations, i understand those who have them (and if you’re reading this and you can relate, i promise you this shit will pass). when the weight of your world gets too heavy and your own mind becomes your worst enemy, the best option seems to be to escape the world entirely. you begin to convince yourself that surely your god is merciful and she’ll forgive you for wanting to leave the cruelty of the world behind.

these days, my lows are very brief. five minutes of sad thoughts and then i am able to pull myself from the abyss of my mind.

i’ve discovered that for every one reason that i want to die, there are about ten for why i want to live.

this life is beautiful- if you make a list of what you would like to achieve, you might realize it too.

i’m working towards healing everyday, and i do not know how long it will be until i can look in the mirror and not see my (invisible) scars, but i know that day is coming. 

i choose life because from what i can see there is more beauty in the present than in the unpromised hereafter.

i choose life because our pain is temporary, but death is permanent.

i choose life (because although currently undiscovered), i have a purpose.

we all do!