9/5/18 long overdue reflection
i get lonely...a lot, but never lonely enough to travel back to my past and ponder the question “what could have been?”. in the past few months, i’ve developed a few healthy habits like:
abandoning my pattern of lurking, cleansing my contact list of people who no longer serve me (as i had a bad habit of telling those who do not deserve me that i miss them)
verbally expressing my love and gratitude to those i appreciate aloud
trying my best to refrain from speaking ill on those who hurt me. i don’t wish them the best, but i most definitely don’t wish them the worst.
i’ve cultivated a circle of real love...filled with people whose vibrations match my own, people who make me see the god in me, people who make me dream, people who make me look into the future i never imagined myself living through, and people who have eased the pain that i have experienced in this lifetime. in their company, i am reminded that i am loved, i am appreciated, and my existence is a blessing.
this summer, i experienced true happiness. i learned to smile again. i trained my mind to seek peace, to embrace positivity all while understanding that my pain is valid. i let go of the weight of the past and accepted the reality of my present understanding that although cliche...what is meant for me will always be for me.
two days ago, i broke down after tweeting, “when sza really said ‘this time next year i'll b living so good...won't even remember your name’ i spoke that shit into existence”. instantly, i felt like a fraud for having ever tweeted that, but then i remembered that it is okay to feel and that the healing process is never linear. after letting myself cry, i realized the things that once hurt me don’t even hurt the same anymore, but i was eager to release the emotions that had been caged in me while i was actively avoiding the things that trigger me this summer.
i’ve forgiven myself for letting certain people near me, for letting people take advantage of my lack of self-love (in the past), and for generally being unkind to myself.
i thank everyone who made time for me during the summer of 2018. if i hung out with you, you are appreciated.
thank you for helping me come back to myself.