finding comfort in solitude

recently, i’ve found comfort in complete solitude. i’ve taken an intense liking to myself. in my leisure time, i gather my journal, my wallet, the pen nearest to me and toss it in a small bag and head out the door. for a while, i walk aimlessly, often directionless until i find myself in a green space, most often- central park. i walk until i grow weary and then i write.

when i am alone in nature, god’s masterpiece, i feel the freest and happiest i have been.

my fears do not exist in the summertime or in the sunlight...all i ever feel is hope. and as cliché as it may sound, all i ever see is the silver lining.

they say the sun is an antidepressant, and i have found the divine truth in that statement.

with my journal in my lap and pen in my right hand, i let the thoughts flow. sometimes they don’t make any sense, but i still write. these days i do not have much to write about because i often only write when i feel sad, which i have expressed in my past few blogs. i haven’t felt sad in a long time, but  i never want to stop writing so i just write whatever comes to mind.  i want to look back on my journal a few years from now and see how my pen withdrew me from my darkest times.

i used to write that i couldn’t breathe in a few of my posts; the air used to always feel thick around me due to my anxiety. for a long time, it was difficult to breathe (not metaphorically, but literally i spent so many days crying that i couldn't breathe). I AM BETTER NOW.

i must say, i finally love the woman that i am becoming.

she is at peace with herself. she is whole- no longer longing for someone to complete her. she speaks to god, frequently, and carries on, no longer waiting for him to speak back. she doesn’t wallow in self-pity and regret- she has realized that life is much too short for that.

and she is evolving. everyday.

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although this is not an advice blog, because i am in no position to give anyone advice (ever), i do have some suggestions for those of you who find yourselves drowning in your heads all day..

1) go outside. the world is so beautiful...how will you understand that if you spend your days replaying the nightmares in your head? when i found art and nature, i found peace. although my escapes are momentary, those moments where i go on walks alone or stumble upon a meaningful gallery tend to have an uplifting impact on my mood.

2) breathe. i promise you shit gets better, even if it gets shittier first! pain is only temporary.