new year; old grief. alhamdulillah, we are alive.

happy almost new year.

what a blessing it is to have woken up another day…to have survived through the horror that is 2020.

to whoever is reading this, i am so glad that you are still here.

alhamdulillah for the good and alhamdulillah for the bad.

i’m here to remind you that if making it through this year is all that you have done, you have accomplished something great. if you have crossed off nothing on your 2020 new year’s resolution list, understand that everyday is a new life, time is a man-made concept, and this whole life is for living.

for many, including myself, this has been a difficult lifetime, and an even more distressing year. the struggles that i have faced this year alone have made me question my worth, my value, and most importantly my purpose. i’ve accomplished so much, yet i always feel stagnant.

i’ve wondered…when will shit ever go right if it’s always going left? when does it get better? when will i know peace? when will i have a taste of consistent happiness? when will i do what i say? when will i heal these childhood wounds? when will i walk in alignment and turn from things that do not support my life’s vision? when will i become the woman i pray for?

i so desperately seek a better me. the universe has thrown the same lessons at me in the form of different relationships. instead of learning from painful cycles, i detach, i disassociate from the experience, and i repeat. i feel as if i’ve been going through the same shit since 2016. this ends now. i’m challenging myself to let go of everything that hurts.

i no longer want to walk in the shadow of my higher self, i want to become her entirely.

i’m tired of doubting myself and living in fear, when everyone is just as afraid as i am, some just mask fear better. i’ve seen that the people who succeed are the ones who use fear as a motivator, not a deterrent.

i do so much reflecting, and so little changing. this coming year is about talking all of my shit AND measuring up to it.

2021 is about living and not just being alive. 2021 is about leaning into my purpose and being great. 2021 is about taking self-reflection a step further and matching my actions with my words.

i feel like i’ll miss out on my entire life pitying myself for the weak ass hand i was dealt, so i work on expressing gratitude. still, i wonder “why me” about many things. recently, i’ve been sad about my newly diagnosed health condition, rheumatoid arthritis, which i found out about at the start of the pandemic. my condition is something that presents a challenge to me everyday. to be honest, i am still processing my feelings as i navigate through my new normal. in a few months, i went from being entirely able-bodied to being crippled by my body. it’s very difficult to ignore when most (not all days) i struggle with basic things like buttoning my pants, picking up my phone, and even typing on my computer. almost every action that requires my hands reminds me that this life can be so unfair. how can the thing that i love the most, writing, bring me the most pain? but you know what i do? i allow myself to get sad whenever the feelings come up and then i go about my day. i will never let my hardships be the reason why i don’t live how i want to. if anything, i make adjustments, i ask for help, and i keep it pushing.

people often tell me i look happy or that i’m living my best life just because they see me having fun. this reminds me that often the way that things look are not a depiction of the actual truth. i’ll be the first to admit that being diagnosed with a life-altering condition was a transformative experience that increased my compassion and empathy. i see people so much more clearly now. it’s so easy for me to see the unhappiness in those who try to hide it, because i used to be one of those people. if you are one of these people, i want you to know that you are not invisible, i see you and i feel you. this is a rough time. all of your feelings are valid, no matter what it is that you’re going through.

i can’t tell you that this life gets better because i am not god, but i can tell you that there is joy everywhere, and i challenge you to look for it. i find it in my little sister’s laughter and in the words that i write. i have found my purpose, which is to write. i have always know what it was, but i was so afraid to share my thoughts for the longest time. if this resonates, it is time to stop being afraid. what is that thing that is calling you? what are you doing to become a better you? are you enjoying where you are now? if tomorrow was your last day on earth, would you be happy with who you are and what you have done? if your answer is no, what can you do to fix this?

i ask this as someone who flirts with suicidal ideations. although i believe in re-incarnation, this is the one lifetime i am certain that i have. when i think of wanting to end it all, i find myself thinking of everything that i haven’t done and everything that i still want to do, and for a few brief moments after, i am grounded again. i often feel guilty for even having suicidal thoughts during a time where people are dying daily because it feels so wrong to think like this. yet, i can’t help how i feel. it is important to acknowledge your feelings so that you can work through them, so i have laid them out in this piece.

i know that this life is unfair, but trust and believe that you can make the best of anything. i do it often.