5/6

the days have been better so i thank god for the moments that he shows me that this life is worth living. i’ve had a few highs this past month. the sun’s been beating on my black skin...i have an incredible internship waiting for me when i go home, and the sound of children's laughter makes me realize i want to live long enough to wake up to it in my own home.

but the thing is even when the days are lovely and i’m in a room full of people that love me (and never fail to remind me), i’m frightened that the joy won’t last forever. it seems that everything in this life is fleeting except for the sadness and disappointment which permeate every aspect of my existence.

still i rise though. i haven’t spent a day crying in bed like i used to when things get too hard. i get up. i shower. i let the tears flow into the water, and i am born again. i started writing a book - i hope i finish it. and sometimes i force myself to leave my apartment just to find myself aimlessly wandering through the woods. these are the moments when i realize that this life is grander than me. nature tends to have that effect on me.

i’ve been caring less about what others think of me. i’m not ashamed to admit that i don’t know who i am yet, but i do know who i would like to be. i’ve reflected on the people i hurt, i whisper silent apologies every time i encounter them, and pray they have forgiven me. i’ve hurt so many people while learning myself, but i know better than to reach out with long overdue apologies so i just better myself for my next phase of life.

i can’t change what anyone thinks about me, and i have no intention of doing so. i’m sad that i can’t shed the negativity from my name. i’m sad that when certain people hear of me, the first phrases mumbled are of something damaging to my character. i don’t wear the melancholy on my face, but the words of others have been particularly damaging to me. i know that i often come off as stoic, but i’m human, and i feel very intensely. sometimes i just want to scream, but i hold it in, and release the words through my pen instead.

again still i rise though. i’ve been to the bottom, many times. the view was not lovely.

i talk to god now. i ask him to keep human monsters away from me and to keep me surrounded with pure love.

i can feel myself changing. i just hope this version of me is better than the last.