the prayer: 4 my depressed shorties

i can’t help but wonder if god’s been making my heart hurt daily because of how often i recite the prayer by warsan shire. softly mumbling “ya allah, if it’ll keep my heart soft, break my heart everyday” when i listen to shire’s poetry recordings as if i actually mean the words. but hey god? i don’t need my heart to break everyday in order to remain pure.

i am tired of grieving relationships while watching those who have induced my melancholic state prosper. and i am tired of being sad. do you know what it is like to be sitting one moment, content about life and suddenly have your day ruined by a wave of sadness? do you know what it is like to go to bed at 3pm in the afternoon because it hurts too much to stay awake? do you know what it is like to only experience “happiness” in fleeting moments? do you know what it is like to not feel safe in your own company because of the thoughts that exist in your own mind?

i’m hurting, but i don’t want to be.

i’ve been praying for these invisible wounds to close, and just when it feels like i am starting to heal, i am enveloped in the sadness.

i’ve been struggling for years now, since i was thirteen to be exactly. i thought i’d beat depression by now, but this burden has become one of the only consistent things in my life.

i even tried to pray it away like my mother told me, but that just made me believe that god muted my prayers.

i’ve been trying to pull myself together, and i know i am not trying hard enough because the smallest things make me fall apart. i've been trying to collect the broken pieces of me, but they don't fit. there seem to be too many. and i'm different now. i can barely recognize who i've become.

yesterday, a friend told me “it’s time we get out the sad girls club”, and i just wanted to say “don’t you know how long i’ve been praying for that?”.

i don’t know where the woman i thought i’d be went. i don’t know why she only exists in my imagination, but i am looking for her, and i eagerly await her arrival. i so desperately want to meet her. she is whole, she is kind, and she is no longer hurting. her heart is full. she does not wish anyone harm, and when tears do fall from her face, they come after laugh.

i want a soft heart, just not one that comes from breaking everyday.