what you are chasing doesn’t belong to you; men sell dreams but women buy them...
i’m still learning that...
“you can’t make homes out of human beings.” - warsan shire
as a woman, if you find yourself chasing a man in our patriarchal society, you are doing yourself a disservice.
if you have to ask him/her for basic things such as compassion, respect, and understanding, it is time for you to walk away.
it is okay to teach people how to love you but when you find yourself teaching someone how to be a decent person, understand that you are investing your time in a situation where you will never be fulfilled.
men should be built by their mothers and fathers. not the women they date.
“an apology without changed behavior is manipulation.”
if intimacy is the only good thing about your relationship, accept that sex alone will never be a foundation for anything strong or stable.
i’ve personally never been “in love”. i’ve experienced deep infatuation and lust. i’ve been excited and enchanted, but never deeply invested enough to fall in love. truthfully (and thankfully), everything goes to shit for me before i emotionally get there. still, i’d be lying if i said i don’t crave the experience. often, i feel like i haven’t experienced love because i feel unlovable. i’m surrounded by platonic love. i’m sure that i’ve met at least three of my soulmates so i know that i am capable of being loved, but i can’t help but feel like a failure when it comes to achieving romance. society makes having a partner seem like the greatest accomplishment, so when you have everything but, it can sometimes feel like you’re lacking. i’m still trying to deprogram this belief from my mind.
recently, i’ve accepted that the only reason why i desire romantic love is to prove to the part of me that feels unlovable that i am capable of receiving this type of love.
there will never be anything wrong with desiring romantic love but...
we betray ourselves when we chose being with someone who is hurting us, not fulfilling all of our needs, or deceiving us over embracing our own company. we lie to ourselves every time we make excuses for someone after they show us who they are.
i’ve learned that not being able to be alone is a deep reflection of how i feel about myself.
also, being alone doesn’t mean that you have to be lonely…you can take yourself out on dates and do things you want to do with a partner with your friends.
you’ll miss out on a lot of your life waiting for someone you love (romantically) to do all these nice things for you that you can do for yourself.
sometimes you have to ask yourself:
what is going on with me personally for me to prefer to be with someone who doesn’t want to treat me how i deserve than for me to be alone?
is their fleeting company really worth the moments i spend miserable, displeased, or unhappy?
someone who betrays you, lies to you, belittles you, chooses others over you, or makes you feel like you’re lowering your standards is someone that should bring you back to yourself.
i’ve also learned that...
when you are begging for someone, you are also chasing them away.
needing someone comes from being uncomfortable with being alone. when you are secure in yourself, wanting a partner is simply a bonus, not a necessity.
when you entertain someone who is no good for you, you are re-affirming to your mind, body, and spirit that you do not believe you deserve better, and the universe will listen to you.
some people will never realize your worth.
you can’t make someone love you.
“they always come back” is a myth...only your toxic partners or someone who has done a lot of individual growth and is ready to show you a different side of themselves will make their way back to you.
my last therapist told me that i “date” the type of men that i normally do because i don’t believe i deserve better. despite my faux confidence, my negative self-perception exudes weakness which attracts men with narcissistic qualities and low self-esteem. through a lot of self-reflection and harmful encounters, i’ve learned that sometimes the only reason i want someone is because my ego can’t deal with rejection.
but like they say “rejection is redirection.” wanting someone badly and consciously choosing to stay with them through their period of self-development THROUGH YOU will always be a waste of your time.
some things are too terrible to write so i won’t share, but i remember once telling my friend what someone i “dated” did to me and in response she asked me if i found men from the bottom of the dumpster. this was around the same time where i kept seeing tweets proclaiming “you are what you attract”, and i couldn’t wrap my head around that sentiment. i truly began to wonder if there was something wrong with me and if i was a walking trashcan because all i ever do is attract horrible men.
i’ve learned that you are not what you attract, but you are who you let in. i’ve attracted many different men but the only one’s i’ve ever been interested in tend to have qualities that mirror parts of me. unfortunately, they also happen to mirror the worst parts of me and reflect all of my insecurities back to me. as you can imagine, all of these experiences were awful and highly traumatic learning experiences if anything. these men taught me that when you don’t love yourself fully, you will accept crumbs from anyone who shows you a glimmer of kindness.
i now accept that:
every time i entertain a harmful partner, i am extending the lifeline of my generational trauma.
every time i entertain a harmful partner, i am reinforcing the belief that i am undeserving of a healthy love.
every time i entertain a harmful partner, i am betraying my body. i am choosing lust over sanity.
as i get older and attempt to take dating seriously, i acknowledge that trying to make a toxic relationship work means possibly giving life to a child sentenced to a lifetime of healing. this is one of my greatest fears, so i am challenging myself to release the part of me that craves the type of people that bring out my most triggered and underdeveloped self.
my bad experiences have often left me feeling defeated. i’ve wondered how another person could make me feel so low about myself. i’ve questioned everything about myself from my looks to my personality. i’ve even started to doubt if i was even capable of attracting a decent partner. i’m incredibly jaded at the moment but i am trying to heal.
i can admit that while i have blessed certain peoples lives, i have not been the type of partner i would like to attract. i know that despite what i have been offered in the past, i am deserving of the love that i crave. i will work towards loving myself so fiercely so that i am visible to those who have done the inner self-healing. i am at the point in my life where my interests do not lie in building a partner but finding one who is already whole and committed to his healing.
it is challenging but i am working towards:
letting people go when they choose to leave
not making excuses when red flags are presented
abstaining from projecting fairy tale endings and fantasies on human beings
removing myself from situations that hurt because they sometimes feel good
settling and accepting situations because i can’t get what i want
setting boundaries and sticking to them
no longer forcing connections
releasing attachments formed after intimacy
making excuses for unhealthy relationships because i want them to work
staying away from people who make me feel difficult to love
releasing the embarrassment attached to showing someone off and speaking highly of them just to be played in the end
when you’re with someone you should be engulfed in love and happiness not drenched in insecurity.
we all deserve a love that doesn’t make us feel doubtful, small, and undeserving...may we never settle for anything less again.