god save me from settling; 6 am reflections/self-drag

god save me from settling in this life.

in friendship, partnership, & career. i know i can have it all but i really have to sit and ask myself why the things that i accept do not look like the things that i have dreamed of— why when i seek healthy love i find myself accepting crumbs of affection from emotionally unavailable men. why when i seek friendship, i let those with shallow intent near me or i hold onto the years i’ve shared with someone instead of accepting who they are now is not who i need. why when i seek community, i isolate & hermit, fearful of actually making meaningful connections. why when i seek apologies, i end up invalidating my feelings in order to restore a false sense of harmony. why when i say i need to do something, i procrastinate. i put things off. i let moments, days, months, and even years pass by with the same idea marinating in the abyss of my mind. why i continously indulge in my vices when my mind & body begs me to let them go. why i find myself drinking my sorrows knowing i am just going to wake up with nothing but regret & more pain. why i call myself a writer when i am never writing. why i have been repeating the same lessons for the past few years—meeting the same souls in different bodies. why i won’t learn these lessons & stop running from who i am supposed to be & the life that i am supposed to life…

i have all the answers within me. i know my stressors stem from my fear of abandonment mixed with a not so lovely dose of anxiety & disorganized attachment style but i can only hide behind my trauma for so long. it’s time to complete these cycles & step out of my cocoon of fear & doubt that prohibit me from actually doing better. i have gotten comfortable accepting things as they are, making excuses for myself to wallow in pity. i have told myself i was going to better every year for the past few years, it’s actually time to honor myself and my intentions. sometimes i see my life flash before my eyes and at the end of my reflection, i am left with a feeling of deep misery and immense regret. i do not want that for myself.

i know god’s timing is the only right one but sometimes i feel as if i use that as an excuse to exist in flow— almost mindlessly wandering with no clear direction & expections. it’s time to change that.